A mothers journey

I have been immersed in motherhood for 24 years. It has been an immersion that has overjoyed me , consumed me and taken me on an inner personal journey of discovery that I was definitely never expecting and yet now welcome. 

I am 54. I am a mother of 4. A wife. I am blessed to be a friend to a few special people. My life is pretty straight forward. Or it was… family, friends, business, mortgage… we decided to take a risk and purchase an investment property which was great for many years… then when it was time to sell we hesitated…

Hesitation can change our lives.

Around this time… maybe 12 months later…. I was carjacked. With a community of people around me, I managed all of my fears and flashbacks around this…. Actually, though looking back I was swimming in a sea of stress, anxiety, and fear…. It was more than I actually admitted to….

Years passed… having had one child leave home then another each adjustment was made within me and I learned that I have a huge capacity for patience… maybe a little too big…. Then number 3 child left home… and during her last year at home with us… the black cloud of fear rose up from the depths of my being and the cage rattled.

The cage of memories… memories that came to me, more like energy than fact… a cloud of doom and dread that I would go to bed with and wake up with… fear of losing our family home took me back to the fear I was swamped in when my father had severe depression… people now talk about getting support having support, services… we had nothing and at the same time, my mother was dealing with cancer…

I was the only child at home so this energy of doom, suffering, and pain was something I woke up to daily… alone… hiding it all inside… feeling so unjustified for feeling so badly and reflecting all the while that it was not the circumstances of my life that had me feeling this way it was actually some flaw inside of me….

These beliefs settled inside me unconsciously and had their sneaky ways with me.  I was not aware that they were something separate to me, to my essence, to my soul… they leaked into every crevasse and interrupted my life at boarding school … my self-esteem and self-worth so low that I could not see that I could ever be of value to anyone…

A couple of angels came to me in those years and one still a treasured and true soul friend remains connected to this day. My soul sister. My wise friend.  

So this morning I wake up and feel that old energy of dread. It has been following me around for days, weeks… maybe years….

I uncover this morning that maybe it’s about something that was once said to me somewhere and I have no idea where, maybe I even said it to myself but it goes like this “ you deserve to suffer, you deserve this stuff that is happening”.

At the moment I work in the area of mental illness and support people who have found themselves there and every day I know that there is a hair’s breadth between where they are and who I am. It’s the circumstances of lives that pull people down… that change things and as I see all this in the moments when I lie in bed after opening my eyes and that old voice of dread states again quietly and sinisterly… you could never do that, be that… you have nothing of value to say like those people there and it is just not your place in life….

And then something shifts…. a different insight comes to me and I bound out of bed and hop in the shower and wash those old patterns and hurts down the drain … and a voice says “ You need to write this down for the mothers…. For the ones that have experienced what you have and have no one to validate what they feel”.

You see… mothering is a journey that we become ….. We become a mother and we constantly feel for others… for our children, our partner, our family…. We take care of them all. We dodge and shift to avert disaster and we become masterful and coordinating our people group and the dynamics within. In all of this skillful living and creative way of being… something gets left behind… our deepest longing, our deepest soul voice…. And it is here that I return today.

So here I am … late for a coffee date with a friend because I had to ACT. I had to begin this journalling.

And what has come forth from outpouring and self-reflecting this is that what spirals in towards “ less than” “ Not enough” “ They know more” “ What can I offer” “ I am inadequate” can also spiral out to:

“ I want to give more” “ I will risk myself and contribute what I can” “ I care” “ I am okay” “ My journey is unique and one many mothers may travel. This journey of insight comes to us through the years as we raise our children.

So here is my offering…. This may become a book… it may just be this one blog…

When you spiral in or down….

Allow also the opposite reaction – spiral in the opposite direction.

Where there is yin allow yang so to speak.

If you hear a negative thought – counteract it immediately with its counter opposite positive.

Simple – easy and a tool to change a lifetime of habits with. 

This is my current exploration – want to join me?

Catherine Evans 19 August 2017