It is a delicate dance… motherhood. We need to be simultaneously equal whilst also being compassionately leading…..
Our children pass through different gateways and sometimes are more lost than we know… they have not yet had the years of learning what suppression of feelings does to the soul…. They may not always tell us what lurks beneath that smile or laugh….
They are in the growth into adulthood a mix of confusion, confidence and yearning. They long to know who they are and in their longing they may demand of us certain things that will surely test our feelings, our beliefs and our generational familiarity.
The soul of the young adult is tentative…. It is purely vulnerable and in this vulnerability there must be in order for survival some protection…. They are learning to find their tribe… their sense of who they belong to… where once they belonged in a family…they now must find a community of people often their own age to whom they can feel that sense of family once again….
Parenting constantly calls us to find a different way…. Nothing is straightforward in parenting… absolutely nothing. We think we have found a map in an expert or someone of authority and then we bust ourselves to follow that map and wake up one day to realise…. Wow that did not work for this child…. I will have to find my own way… again
We weave our own tapestry in being a parent…. We take bits of thread from all those who offer advice, expertism and guidance in parenting and we weave our own tapestry… there is no other way. Parenting calls us to be grown ups. Not only in our body but in our souls. Parenting digs deep and constantly throws us mirrors in which we see different aspects of ourselves. It is confronting and if we could we would pass the baton on….. As we become weary and tired….
Sometimes the hurt of being a parent is deep and it stirs the pot of old hurts from our past. This is the divine gift of parenting. We are called to the corner where we must face whatever ‘that’ was…. We are confronted by our own wounds and pain and we begin to heal and sometimes… it feels like we have healed all until once again…. There is another hurt unveiled and we begin again.
Mostly children want to be loved raw. They want to be loved no matter what and if we can meet them in this state of unconditional love…. Then the give we gift is a lifetime gift….
Having said that there is also a place for strong boundaries… offered from a neutral place. Anger is hurt spoken.
So stating our own truth in a vulnerable, gentle and loving way… can sometimes penetrate the stoic heart of the young adult……
Always offering gentleness… a touch.. A word and validation and encouragement. The deepest validation you can offer is “ You are okay and I love you “.
Parenting is not for the lighthearted. Nor for the weary. As parents we learnt to move through weariness without actually having relief from it. The art is in taking time to love self…. Without withdrawing when the going gets tough.
When we withdraw we demonstrate to our children that when feelings are overwhelming or when hurt is deep that escape is a preferred option. Whilst sometimes this is necessary when things become too much …. When one returns…. Sometimes the dust has settled and yet the conflict or pain is still there… in the deep depths of the soul of mother and child.
Love does not offer an easy path. Love calls us to find within another pool of energy to give….. Sometimes love needs to be redirected inwards to our own souls and other times we can once again offer it out to our children.
Resistance comes…. It builds up when our heart or our head decide that we need protection…. Resistance is an invitation… to explore, to seek and to move through whatever feeling is creating that wall of resistance.
Whilst our children may be the catalysts for another layer of personal and soul growth in the mother and the pain may be unbearable at times… remember that we are evolving human beings…. And if we can remain open enough to see the gifts of this evolution… we can also see that what our children bring to us is yet another gift of self realisation and growth.
With each mini journey of growth our heart expands….. And more of life comes to us.