The mystery of loving self…

The journey back to self is sometimes a long one… we will seek to gather evidence for beliefs unconsciously from wherever we can get it… its a hard cold fact of being human…. At least for the majority of us…

Sometimes we think the mystery of loving self is rooted, founded in the brain. Our brain. What we forget when we think that is that the source of who we are is not in our brain… in our brains are the stories we tell ourselves about who we are…

The real story lives in the heart and deeper still in our spirit.

The thing is the brain stores memories and it has this tacky kind of glue lining its walls so the bad stuff sticks there… and it’s hard to dissolve or shake off…. It’s stuck so damn hard that we get tricked by ourselves into believing that it is permanent and real and immovable.

In that memory store are all the things that match the evidence that we are as Robert Holden so cleverly defined… UNLOVEABLE.

So for so long underneath all our layers, buried deep is this belief. We don’t notice it, its gathered SO much dust laying there that the dust layers into the tacky gluey stuff and it just feels like our whole entire brain is filled with goop.

What’s more… we pile on miles and miles of the possible answers to unravelling this feeling that we are poo, that people think we are poo or at least not that popular, not that useful, not that much value…  so on top of the self-doubt, feeling crap, looking in the mirror and finding all the bits we would rather not have… we read and listen and watch REAMS of stuff on how we can become the opposite of what we are… because of course, the cure would have to come from outside of ourselves right? From someone who writes or talks cause they know more right? Also, they are more successful, more pretty or more something… than we are and we cannot under any circumstances be loveable with all that tacky crap in us right?

Then we add a relationship or two that do not work and once again we are convinced that the story we made up is totally and utterly true.

Until… a little crack appears in that tacky gluey stuff…. A little air bubble and into that bubble seeps some kind of kind word or a feeling of gratitude… maybe when we hear about someone worse off that we are… it kind of makes us notice again some of the good stuff around us….

As we notice that little bit of light, bit by big it expands. As it expands so does the self-picture we painted with all the words and visuals and sounds to match it.

We let a little love in. It’s risky but we do it and it’s not the love that comes from others although that sure helps… we let in a little tiny weeny bit of love from our own little, tiny, weeny little true self….

And maybe just maybe we discover something in there about what we believe and perceive Great Spirit, God, Goddess, the Universe or whatever your language is around that, to be … maybe we let a little of that in too.

Then the next time we look in the mirror there is a fleeting moment of love for that person looking back at us… and we sigh… and a question forms “ Maybe?” that is the question we start to sit with and it weaves in and out of our thoughts, our feelings, our being….

Bit by bit the maybe grows… on one particular day it actually flourishes and then things look brighter day by day and we feel lighter, day by day and the weight of our deep sadness, our deep grief built up from aeons ago just dissolve a little….

And then another day we wake up and it is THERE… this love we have, we feel it… it’s a quiet kind of love… not noisy or proclaimed to the world yet there. Its warm inside, near your heart and you feel like you want to hold it so it doesn’t leave…. Life expands…. Love expands…. And the universe begins to bring you things…. Which often includes a little resilience so we can bounce back when the old way of being revisits occasionally as it does…. Just because its crap doesn’t mean its uncomfortable… it’s familiar after all, right?

And bit by bit it’s easier to get back on track… growing all the while in the new skin of being you. The real you. The one who doesn’t have to wrestle with trying out the new skin, then covering up again…. The one who can just sit and bask in the sunshine…. Loving… the universe, god, goddess, spirit and then loving self…. Then others…..

It’s a beautiful day when that day comes and it’s a beautiful feeling like soaking in a warm bath….. Of loving through and through all the layers who we are inside… just because… well … because we can now. That’s why… because we can.

Catherine Evans 28 May 2018